You might imagine that over 13 years of being a pastor, I probably have run into a few difficult people to deal with from time to time. Admittedly, sometimes the most difficult person to deal with is myself, and that may just be an understatement.
I am certainly no expert, but I have found a few principals that have served me well in dealing with difficult personalities of all kinds whether they be negative, controlling, passive aggressive, disrespectful, moody, etc.
Maybe these principals will help you do your best at "living at peace" with all people, even difficult ones, or just give you something to think about or a better understanding or what to pray for.
1) Discern their influence on you, key relationships, and your organization.
The first thing I do when I run into a difficult person or personality is gage the impact they are having on me and other people.
With some people, if their difficult behavior or personality is having little influence/impact on you, key relationships, and your organization, it's often simply best to "live at peace" with them as much as you can as you take a soft approach to their issues.
Love requires us to have grace for people, and being gracious with certain difficult people or personalities can not only be the best course of action, but an important sign of maturity.
We all can be difficult at times. Furthermore, we all have different personalities that don't always mesh. Discerning between what is a character issue or a personality issue is often tricky, that's why I put more weight on the influence their behavior is having. A person who has a difficult personality can be just as damaging as someone with a character flaw.
Overreacting to a difficult person is generally not the response you want, especially if their influence level is low. Furthermore, with people of lessor influence, you can do much more harm than good.
The key is to gage the person's influence/impact, the more influence on you and/or others, the more you are going to have to address their behavior and even the people with whom their behavior is impacting. It is not out of the ordinary for people to be wrongly intolerant of a difficult person, so you will want to look at the issues as objectively as possible. Just because someone says a person is difficult to deal with doesn't automatically mean their assessment is accurate, it actually may be saying more about them than about the person they are reporting.
Obviously, how they impact you is important, but at first, it may be more important to discern how they impact others. If others are getting sucked into and sympathizing with their behavior, especially key people, you will need to walk a lot more carefully, address things more directly, and likely with greater scope. It is one thing if others see their behavior or personality as problematic as you do, it's a whole other thing if only you see their behavior as problematic but others don't. That, my friend, takes a whole lot more care and attention in dealing with.
Containment is a key with any conflict, but the more the person is influencing things, the more potentially it will be harder to contain things.
If the person's behavior is equally scene as a problematic issue by others, sometimes you can simply sit back and let the system of relationships deal with difficult person as the cultural system of your organization does it's own self cleaning. Again, the key is having a good sense of that person's influence. This is equally true in handling a difficult person within a family.
Sometimes the system of relationships can handle the problem as a whole rather than your single intervention. This may take longer, but it will probably be worth the wait and give a greater chance of you not becoming the sacrificial lamb in the process.
For me, discerning a person's influence/impact on myself and others is one of the first principals I apply when dealing with their difficult behavior or personality. It tells me what urgency level I should take, how direct I need to approach the person, what level of care I need in doing so, and how much reconnaissance work I need to do ahead of time to have a good understanding of how confronting the person's behaviors will potentially play out with them and other people.
It is a huge mistake to underestimate or not consider how dealing with a difficult person will affect other relationships. Obviously, we can't control outcomes, but we can certainly do what we can to be prepared.
A good set of questions to ask yourself is... 1) What will happen if I don't address this person's difficult behavior or personality? 2) What will happen if I do address this person's difficult behavior or personality?
Sometimes no matter how you deal with a difficult person, you are going to come out on the losing end. However, answering those two questions (above) can be very helpful in charting your course.
2) Check your relational immune system
The second principal I apply is to check my relational immune system.
Everybody has one, a relational immune system that is. Like your body's immune system, a healthy relational immune system keeps the bad out and lets the good in. It sends out symptoms and signals where there is a problem or something needs attention and it allows for things that are healthy to be received and integrated.
Problems occur when we either have an over-active or under-active immune system, the same is true with our relational immune system. For some, they are too sensitive and overly defensive in regards to difficult people or personalities. For them, just about everybody who is even a little bit "off" is designated a potential threat. For others, they are too tolerant and receptive of difficult people and personalities. For them, just about any behavior is acceptable or justifiable and shouldn't be confronted.
For most of us, we have what I call, relational allergies... certain personalities or behaviors that we are more sensitive to than others. Allergies are simply the result of an overactive immune system, our bodies see something as being a "threat" that really isn't. Relationally, the same is essentially true. Likely, because of certain things in our past, certain behaviors in others "bug us," "get under our skin," or "set us off" more so than perhaps they do with other people. Being hurt or bothered in the past by certain behaviors or personalities will cause our relational radars to go on special watch for the same threat in the future. Being on special watch isn't the problem, shooting at suspected targets prematurely is a problem.
The key is coming to a healthy understanding as to why that person's behavior is bothering us, could it be that we are being too sensitive and overreacting because of experiences in our past? Could it be that we have a certain relational allergy? Could it be that something about their behavior or personality is triggering a relational reaction in us that is based more on our sensitivities than on them truly being a "threat" or "contaminant."
Furthermore, sometimes the things that bother us about other people are the things that really bother us about ourselves. The reason why their behavior or personality is bothersome to us is because they mirror what it is we really dislike about ourselves. That doesn't excuse their behavior or personality, but it can begin to help us explain our reaction and put it in proper perspective.
Bottom line, sometimes a person being difficult has more to do with us, and less to do with them. Milk isn't harmful, so if I have an allergy to it, it is more about my body than it is about the milk. The milk isn't harmful, but if I have an allergy to it, my body's response to it can be harmful. That's why checking your relational immune system is so vital.
If I know that there is something about me that is triggering or intensifying my assessment that a person's personality or behavior is difficult, I'll have a much better chance of adjusting my assessment and response to be more balanced and appropriate. Yes, we can make adjustments in our relational immune system if it is off balance. Yes, we can learn to adjust our responses to people's personalities and behaviors. But first, we have to check our relational immune system when a relational alarm goes off.
In so doing, it is a real possibility that what we discover is that we aren't over-reacting or under-reacting, the person or their personality is simply difficult, and it's much more about them than it is about you. What do you do when it's more about them than it is about you? What do you do when it's a mixture of both them and you? What do you do when it's more about you than them?
Well, as stated, we need to be ready to own our own stuff where appropriate and make adjustments, but in the end, we need to...
3) Handle different types of people and personalities differently
Below are five personality types that are common and certainly difficult to deal with. Obviously this is not an exhaustive list, but it begins to cover some common difficult personality types.
One size doesn't fit all, each personality needs to be handled a bit differently recognizing that the goal is to positively influence the behavior and at the least, find a way to "live at peace" with that person. This is not always possible, but it should be our humble goal remembering that we can be that "difficult person" too.
Negative Nick-
Negative people are very difficult to deal with, their negativity is like tar, once it gets on you or others, it can be hard to get off. They have a way of attracting negative attention and sucking others into their dark moods and plights. And sometimes, no matter how you try, they always settle on seeing or spinning things in a negative way.
Some pointers on dealing with Negative Nicks are 1) make sure, no matter what, you stay positive and not side-tracked by their behavior. The more you give them negative attention or allow them to have it with others, the more stubborn and contaminating their behavior will become. 2) Calmly take time to give them an opportunity to get on board, hear their thoughts, listen to their feelings, in the hopes they will jettison their negativity, but after that, move on without feeling you have to take responsibility for their negativity or change them. Trust me, usually unless some kind of crisis or life altering event happens, most negative people are addicted to their own negativity to the point they will likely never let it go. Like Linus with his blanket, he knows it stinks, but he just isn't willing part with it. 3) So don't think you will be able to be superman (or superwoman) and rescue them from the very thing they feed off of, negativity. Chances are unless their negativity costs them more than what is getting them, they will never make the exchange. 4) Pray for them to see the futility of that which they hold onto so dearly and that God could use you to minister to them without becoming one of them or enabling them.
One of the best ways to promote positive change in a negative person is to create a relational context where their negativity is not given traction nor attention. In addition, underneath many negative people is a fear of failure or success. For them, there is little to no apparent risk to being negative. It's hard to fail when you never try, improve, or take responsibility for your life as you always have an excuse. Furthermore, success will always allude you if you live by the rule of negativity, where there is no chance of success, there is nothing to seemingly to fear. It is when a negative person begins to see that the terrible consequences of their negativity outweigh the fear they have attached to failure or success that they may discover the motivation to move in a new direction.
Furthermore, many negative people have learned to use negativity to get attention. For many, they see negativity or negative behaviors as the only way to get attention. Teaching them to gain attention from positives and positive behaviors may not be easy, but it is possible.
Whatever you do, make sure you stay positive and on task and on target with where God is going in your life as yo do your best to minster to them.
Passive Aggressive Pete-
People who say one thing but do another, smile at your face but frown behind your back, appear to be your friend but secretly are an enemy are some of the most difficult people to deal with.
With passive aggressive people, you just never know what is coming around the next corner. You think you know where they stand and where the relationship stands, but then "bam!" Dr. Jekell turns into Mr. Hyde. Passive aggressive personalities tend to go underground with their true emotions, especially negative ones. Furthermore, they act out these negative emotions with plots, schemes, and missions of revenge that catch you by surprise. With passive aggressive people, if you knew their inner thoughts, they would definitely make you cringe.
Some pointers on dealing with Passive Aggressive Petes are 1) Try to discern them before they can damage you. Therefore... 2) Be on guard for people who use a lot of flattery 3) Watch for people who don't respect your "No,"give you disingenuous smiles or compliments, overly profess to hate confrontation, or who comply/cooperate half heartedly. These can be indicators of a passive aggressive personality. If you pick up on these, don't draw premature conclusions, but proceed in the relationship with caution.
Unfortunately, it's hard to know for sure you are dealing with a passive aggressive person until their passive aggressive behavior shows its face, and once a passive aggressive person strikes, there isn't much you can do but try and clean up the mess and then change how you relate to that person in the future.
Passive aggressive people are best dealt with by chasing truth out of the shadows enough for people to see it if they are willing to. After that, in regards to the truth, there is not much you can do or should do. That's the problem in dealing with passive aggressives, the truth often gets distorted, twisted, and even completely hidden.
Confronting the person directly about their lack of openness and honesty and their passive aggressive ways can be helpful if you do so with specific, undeniable examples and a clear articulation of how their behavior is wrong. Unfortunately however, passive aggressive people can be more interested in seemingly resolving their anger or hurts through passive aggressive behaviors then they are in having integrity and righteousness in the process. Therefore, don't be surprised if they work hard to find a way to make sure you are at fault, one way or the other. Passive aggressives are experts at justifying and rationalizing their behaviors, and they can present themselves and their behaviors as being some of the most "spiritual" of all. Additionally, they are experts at the use of guilt trips and blame to rationalize their decisions.
Getting close to and sharing yourself with a passive aggressive personality is a dangerous decision. Once you realize a person presents themselves in one way to you but is working behind the scenes in another, it is best to love them from a distance and keep them out of "the know" as much as possible.
Controlling Craig-
A close cousin to Passive Aggressive Pete is Controlling Craig. People who are overly controlling are difficult to deal with, especially when their role or situation does not call for the level of control they attempt to exercise. It should be said that some people who appear to be controlling are so because their role or situation demands it, not because of some personality or character flaw. This obviously can be hard to distinguish, but should be something to consider before a conclusion or label is given. However, most controlling people are controlling for all the wrong reasons and in all the wrong ways.
Both passive aggressive people and controlling people have a unhealthy desire for control, the only difference is how they go about getting it.
As mentioned, passive aggressive people go about their quest for control through behind the scenes/in the shadows types of methods. Controlling Craig's go about their pursuit of control in often very visible, detectable ways... pouting, temper tantrums, threats, violence, abuse, intimidation, power plays, manipulation etc. Sometimes a Controlling Craig will become a Passive Aggressive Pete when their controlling methods don't work or are found out.
Regardless, here are some pointers in dealing with Controlling Craigs. 1) Don't give into their controlling tactics 2) As soon as a you sense a problem, ask them to explain their behaviors and then if your conclusions are the same, directly and privately confront them and articulate your boundaries. You may need to do this over and over again, but whatever you do, don't back down. Most Controlling Craigs started off as backyard bullies and have inflated egos that were developed long before you entered the scene. 3) Don't give them responsibilities, comply to their wishes, or grant them areas of leadership in an effort to change them or satisfy their demands or pouting. The more they insist on controlling, the less influence and responsibility they should be allowed. Chances are, when they don't get their way or amount of power they desire, they will take their marbles and go elsewhere. They may do some damage in the process of their exit, but in the long run you and your organization will be better off. 4) Controlling people are sometimes driven by fear... fear of rejection, failure, etc. if you are able to minister to those fears, you may be able to help change their controlling behaviors, but the best context in which that should be attempted is in contexts of limited power, leadership, and influence.
Abrasive Alan-
Abrasive personalities can be very difficult to deal with. Chances are, the abrasive person doesn't realize their abrasive behavior or, if they do, they don't particularly care much.
Where some might be better at stomaching abrasive personalities, the bottom line is, for most people, abrasive people will wear on them sooner or later.
Sometimes, abrasive people have become so as a defense mechanism. Their abrasive personality repels people and subdues the risks of intimacy as their behaviors create distance and friction in relationships. Getting past a person's abrasive veneer isn't impossible, but it can take time and intentional effort.
Other times abrasive people seem to truly enjoy and value their behavior. Like, they believe that in some way it gets them ahead.
So pointers in dealing with abrasive personalities are 1) Don't try to fight fire with fire. The more abrasive you become, the more they will be come, and with more skill and resilience. 2) Stay calm cool and collected as you don't take their abrasive behaviors personally. This is obviously easier said than done, so if they hook you, don't get too discouraged. 3) Hurting people hurt others, so as best you can, try to see past the surface and explore issues of hurt or defensiveness. Chances are, you will discover there is more to their abrasive personality than meets the eye. The challenge is in how to get past the abrasive surface to the softer core of the person without getting beat up in the process. So let it be said, proceed with care and caution.
Sometimes a relational situation does not afford the time needed to possibly break through and draw out the softer person underneath the abrasive behavior. Quicker intervention may be needed as you try to help that person see the way their actions are affecting you/and or others. If they refuse to consider your feedback and make adjustments, you may not be able to do much more than distance or fully remove them or yourself from the relational situation.
Victim Violet-
A close cousin to Negative Nick is Victim Violet. Victim violet always has an excuse or place to put blame for all her problems and challenges. Of course, none of them have anything to do with her or her choices.
Victim Violet also often adopts an entitlement mentality where everybody aught to be willing to do the very things she is unwilling to do for herself. Victim violets are often lazy, impulsive, irresponsible, and experts at playing the blame game. They tend to do whatever they can to outsource responsibility and accountability for circumstances and choices. And when someone does take care of their wishes or needs, their entitlement mentality causes them to not be appropriately thankful or good stewards of what they have been given.
Here are some pointers to dealing with Victim Violets 1) Don't become an enabler by assuming they need to be rescued or their problem needs your remedying. 2) If you do help, don't do it all for them. Find ways to require them to take as much action and responsibility as they can. 3) If others are being manipulated by or drawn into their behaviors, usually it won't be long until common sense people see that continually rescuing the person is not the best course of action. However, you will want to make sure that soft hearted people are not taken advantage of or allowed to run interference with what God might be doing in that person's life. Sometimes God has people broken for a reason, and it's not for us to come rescue them, but for them to learn to find their own wings. 4) To some, not coming to the rescue of every person who presents themselves as needing rescue will be interpreted as being callous and insensitive. This is an important time to teach about the important balance between love that is tender and love that is tough. A good place to begin is in Galatians 6 where Paul distinguishes between carrying a true burden for another and making sure people learn to carry their own load.
